are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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