I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
