yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
