just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I smell stomach acid.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
