Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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