Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
