The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
