My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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