next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
