My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She swung at the pinata with crutches
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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