it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize