After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize