I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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