This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
