i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
