You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm at about main and main street
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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