It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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