if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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