dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
