the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Randomize
