I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
