This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
