Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
