my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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