I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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