How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
