connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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