I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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