god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
