she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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