So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
