i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
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