my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
