when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
