I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
