Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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