Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
