I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
