Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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