I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
