If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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