After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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