ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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