her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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