Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
