yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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