I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize