It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
