nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Houston, we have a squirter
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
