Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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