I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
