Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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