okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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