If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
