We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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