Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
