You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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